Then he took the pastor to his one room, a monastic cell. The pastor complained, “I don’t understand! All my adult life I have served God and this is the thanks I get! What did the math teacher do to deserve such treatment?”

St. Peter replied, “Whenever you preached, some people in the congregation always went to sleep. Whenever the math teacher taught, everyone in his class would begin to pray.” .

A certain wealthy man had never cared much for spiritual matters in his life. However, during his final illness, he did begin to consider eternal affairs. Unfortunately, he brought the same approach to them he had used in much of his business. He sent for the pastor and told him, “Pastor, you’ve been here a long time. You know I’ve never cared much for church matters. But I’m very sick, about to die, and I want to be sure of my eternal destination. Do you suppose if I gave $1,000,000 to the church, and $100,000 to you personally, I would go to heaven?

The pastor considered carefully for a moment, the replied, “Well, I can’t be too sure, but what have you got to lose? It’s worth a try!”

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella.

Nobody ever died of seasickness.”

“You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief,” Tom said.

Monsterous Pun

Once there was a monster, similar to the one from Loch Ness, living in the Thames River in London. It terrorized the ity’s inhabitants until one day, those who were true and brave enough, gathered their strength together and killed the monster. In order to deal with this landfall of suddenly available meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages. Charles Dickens, at the time a reporter for The Times, wrote a newspaper article describing the events. The headline read: IT WAS THE BEAST OF THAMES; IT WAS THE WURST OF THAMES!

PUnny

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counsellor.When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

“Oh” said the counsellor, “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.”

One day a man called the church office. He said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?”

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, “I’m sorry, who?”

The man said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?”

She said, “Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as
‘Pastor,’ or ‘Brother,’ but you may certainly not refer to him as the ‘head hog at the trough!”

To this the man replied, “Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the
building fund…”

To this the secretary quickly responded “hang on, the big fat pig just walked in.”

Pass the Plate

A six-year-old girl insisted that as a new first grader, she should be allowed to take part in the offering and put something in the offering plate during the worship service of her Church. Mom and Dad agreed
wholeheartedly. Dad even gave her a dollar and explained that God loves a cheerful giver.

When the usher stopped beside the little girl and held out the offering plate, the little girl’s voice rang out in protest, “Hey, Mister! Don’t you have change for a dollar?”

Her very embarrassed father leaned down and whispered something in her ear. The whole congregation heard her reply: “But, Daddy, I’d be a cheerful-er giver if I could give SOME to the Lord and buy a candy bar, too!”

CAT HEAVEN

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know”.

The cat thinks for a moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says “say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says “say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!”

“I can’t figure it out,” said the first dog. “I’m in perfect physical shape, but I’m constantly anxious.”

The second dog says, “Why don’t you go to a psychiatrist?”

To this the first dog remarks, “How can I? I’m not allowed on the couch!!”

“Jim, we want to help you, but we cannot find a compatible human heart. However, we are testing animal hearts in humans and can offer you a sheep heart. Are you willing?”

The man agrees after weighing the options, and the surgeon transplants the sheep heart into him. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”

There is an Indian tribe near here that has a problem: they can’t sleep. It is a small tribe; only 500 members, but every one has insomnia. They are called the Indian-napless 500.

He answered: “Take up an offering. That does it every time.”

“He should,” the host replied. “His oldest son just entered the ministry.”

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”

One day, they battled a tribe of fairly large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home…but the chanting and joyousness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

The new pastor was nervous about his giving his first sermon and talked in a soft voice.

A parishioner yelled from the back of the church, “We can’t hear you from here. Can you speak up?”
The pastor tried but still talked in a soft voice.

The parishioner yelled again, “We still can’t hear you.

The pastor tried again but couldn’t muster a voice loud enough for the back to hear. So the parishioner yelled again.

Finally a parishioner up front turned around and said, “What are you yelling about? You ought to just sit down and be thankful. Otherwise I will change places with you.”

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro. “Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. “Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner in a disgusted tone. 

Good Choice

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. “That will be $6.35,” he told the customer.

“That really is a little too small,” said the woman. “Don’t you have anything larger?”

Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. “This one,” he said faintly, ” will be $6.65.”

The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. “I know what,” she said, “I’ll take both of them!”

ZONDERVAN Time To Smile

New Numbers

If the metric system ever takes over we may have to say the following:

• A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
  
• Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
  
• Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
  
• Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
  
• Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
  
• Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

IF –— THEN

If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked,

then are

electricians delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

Teamwork

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…

“God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays…

“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays…

“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order … “

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

“JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE … BUY A  TICKET!”

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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer, too” says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $5.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.” The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20″ says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

At a pharmacy, Betty asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing Betty and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. “It won’t work,” Betty countered. “I’m the aunt, not the mother.”